Falling but not landing

II've never nessicarily thought of myself as a suicidal person, because I'm not. I want to live. I really do. I do see myself as depressed though and I'm afraid someday that will turn me into something worse. There's something horrifyingly beautiful about the fact that people enter and exit our lives so swiftly. I chose to focus more on the horror. 

If someone were to ask me if I would leave this earth given the chance, I would probably say no but yes. I meant it when I said I want to live out life, but I also don't want to live through more pain. I'm not sure exactly what I would answer. I'm a very complicated person. 

The disappointment is just overwhelming. The judgment from others, the lies, the fake ass people who were beautifully painted masks to hide their ugly insides, the people I love that are either taken away or leave. It's all too much. I feel myself falling but never really hitting the ground. I get a taste of the pain and sorrow you receive from living but no matter how many times I jump over the edge, I still never land. I never die. 

This is a blessing but also a nusience to me. I want to give up. But I don't want to hurt the people around me. I can't be selfish. I just can't be. It's so hard not to be sometimes though. Sometimes when I'm thinking of ways I could die, I think of my mothers face. How disappointed she would be in me if she knew. Then I think of how horrified and ruined she would be if she found her youngest dead. I couldn't do that to her ever. Or anyone in my family for that matter. 

So here I am. Slowly dripping down the pane of life. Trying to figure out what to do. If I didn't have my family, I would have been dead a long time ago. 

I'm trying.

I'm trying. 

"I wanna fly, can you take me far away? Give me a star to reach for. Tell me what it takes and I'll go so high. I'll go so high, my feet won't touch the ground. I stitch my wings and pull the strings. I bought these dreams, that all fall down."