If someone were to ask me if I would leave this earth given the chance, I would probably say no but yes. I meant it when I said I want to live out life, but I also don't want to live through more pain. I'm not sure exactly what I would answer. I'm a very complicated person.
The disappointment is just overwhelming. The judgment from others, the lies, the fake ass people who were beautifully painted masks to hide their ugly insides, the people I love that are either taken away or leave. It's all too much. I feel myself falling but never really hitting the ground. I get a taste of the pain and sorrow you receive from living but no matter how many times I jump over the edge, I still never land. I never die.
This is a blessing but also a nusience to me. I want to give up. But I don't want to hurt the people around me. I can't be selfish. I just can't be. It's so hard not to be sometimes though. Sometimes when I'm thinking of ways I could die, I think of my mothers face. How disappointed she would be in me if she knew. Then I think of how horrified and ruined she would be if she found her youngest dead. I couldn't do that to her ever. Or anyone in my family for that matter.
So here I am. Slowly dripping down the pane of life. Trying to figure out what to do. If I didn't have my family, I would have been dead a long time ago.
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
"I wanna fly, can you take me far away? Give me a star to reach for. Tell me what it takes and I'll go so high. I'll go so high, my feet won't touch the ground. I stitch my wings and pull the strings. I bought these dreams, that all fall down."
